NOT LIKE YOU CARE

“You really kind of get me, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I really kind of do.”

“Hm.” She says, taking a drag on her cigarette. “Too bad.”

“What’s too bad?”

She laughs, her mouth opening wide, all her teeth showing. There’s lipstick smudged on her bottom teeth. When she stops, there’s still a sad smile cracking her face in half.

“My boyfriend doesn’t get me.” She grins, taking a long pull on her smoke. I think for a second.

“Why are you with him?”

She doesn’t look at me, but her smile fades for a second. She picks at a scab on her knee. Then, she looks back up, that proud, guarded smile on her face.

“He’s good in bed. And he’s got a gun.” She winks. “A really big gun.” She laughs, like she’s made an inside joke with herself. She thinks I don’t get the reference, that’s obvious. But I do. I fake a little laugh.

“Besides, it’s not like anybody else wants me.”

“I want you,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. I think she’s going to laugh at me but she doesn’t. She almost looks like she might cry. I almost hope she does. It’d be the first time I’d see her do anything real. But she doesn’t. Her smile comes back into the corners of her mouth.

“You’re just a kid.” She says quietly.

I watch her lean forward and put out her cigarette, and my eyes automatically move to the Zacharov tattoo etched into the space between her shoulders.

“And you better not let Dmitri hear you talking like that,” She smiles, sitting back up and leaning against the lamp post behind her. “He just might kill you.” She laughs at that, real hard this time. I smile along with her, but inside my stomach sinks. Because I’m in love with a flameplayer’s girl. And flameplayer’s don’t like being fucked with. 

Do you ever get that feeling that like, your best friend just doesn’t like you as much as you like them? And they’ll say you’re their best friend, and you mean the world to them, they’ll say a lot of things, but when it comes down to it…they’re a constant disappointment, while you always live up to your promises? And then you just can’t help but wonder if it’s really worth it anymore.